


Don't you know?

by Nighttdust



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon, Crying, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Now with Yuuri's POV, Pining, Pining!Yuuri, Self-Doubt, Soulmate AU, They dont talk, Victors pov, pining!victor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-15 01:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9213569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nighttdust/pseuds/Nighttdust
Summary: Yuuri and Victor were soulmates. For some reason they don't speak about it. No one ever mentions it, no one ever talks about soulmates. Victor doesn't know why but that's just the way it is. And it hurts more than it should.Or. Both of them are pining, scared and stupid





	1. Victor

They were soulmates. Victor _knew_ that like he knew that you needed oxygen to breath and that the sun would go up in the morning. It was law, it was science. They were soulmates so why, tell me why, did it hurt so much?

It wasn't that Victor wasn't happy with Yuuri or that he was upset that Yuuri was his soulmate. No, you couldn't be further from the truth. Victor adored Yuuri. Victor loved his kindness and his laugh. He loved Yuuri's eyes and his soft hair. Victor was absolutely smitten and so, god he was so happy. He could have never been happier with Yuuri as his soulmate.

And that's also where the problem was. Yuuri was his soulmate. And they never talked about it or even _acknowledge_ it. Victor tried in the beginning before he and Yuuri became a pair. He had asked Yuuri about his soulmate and Yuuri had been visibly uncomfortable and said no comment. Or the other time it had been during practice and Yuuri had shouted a loud ‘What?!?’ at him. So yeah, Victor got the clue and didn't ask again.

So they never talked about it.

And it was frustrating because Victor wanted to talk about it. He wanted to call Yuuri his soulmate and brag to the world with ‘Look this is my soulmate!’ So yes he was happy but he was also hurt.

xxx

Before Victor met Yuuri he would look at his timer once a day. Look at the numbers adding up to minutes, days, weeks, months, years. Every evening before he went to bed he would check his timer. He doesn’t really know _why_ but after 26 years it was just a routine.

Before Yuuri Victor didn't’ really care about soulmates (he used to once). He rather do things on his own, he knows that he is _better_ on his own. What would he do with a soulmate? Who knows maybe he wouldn’t even love them and just be with them because _that’s what you do_.

He used to care. Victor used to care about his soulmate. As a child he desperately wanted one. He read so many sappy romantic books and watched hundred of romance movies. He wanted a love story. They would meet and it would be love on first sight, they would find out they were soulmates and then spend so much time together and be unbreakable. And when he was younger he would check his wrist all the time _because maybe the timer stopped!_ It never did and one day Victor started skating. His mind was distracted with routines, spins and jumps. He didn't have time to think of anything else. He stopped checking his watch all the time and he stopped dreaming about his soulmate (would they have long hair? What color were their eyes? Did they like skating? What about dogs?).

Victor only checked his timer once a day back then.

After 26 years of waiting he was tired. He didn't love skating anymore as much as he used to. He was lonely. His only friend was a 14 year old who hated him and a Swiss man who was actually a rival who he only gets to see a couple times a year.  
And he didn't believe in the magic anymore. He didn't believe in love at first sight or that he will become a better person once he finds his soulmate. His skating relied on him to never be settled and predictable. Victor was better of alone.

All of that was before the banquet. Before Yuuri.

xxx

The banquet happened and it was the best night in Victor's life.

He started the day with 26 years, 11 months, 16 days, 10 hours, 23 minutes and 58 seconds.

He ended the day with 26 years, 11 months, 16 days, 21 hours, 3 minutes and 18 seconds.

That's how long it took him to find his soulmate.

xxx

Everyone had a timer on their wrist. The timer didn't count down till you meet your soulmate (that of course would be way too easy) rather it counted every second since you were born and stopped when you touch your soulmate. It was suppose to remind you how long it took till you met your soulmate.

xxx

The banquet had been boring. That in a whole hadn't been a surprise. Victor had attended the banquet for over 10 years now and not a single thing had changed. Everyone was dressed up, nice, wealthy, boring, predictable blablabla. Victor smiled at everyone and gave them his hand because that's what Victor Nikiforov did.

The only thing that was slightly different was Yuri (and the other Yuuri but Victor tried to push those sneaky thoughts to the side). The teenager was sarcastic and bored which certainly could be seen as entertaining. Some people rolled their eyes at him and others clearly showed their disapproval but Victor liked it. He could laugh at Yuris comments.

Victor was constantly moving between talking to Chris, entertaining Yuri, finding new sponsors and looking out for Katsuki Yuuri. He had seen the man at the beginning at the banquet (and of course at the competition) and Victor thought he was interesting. For some reason Victor was intrigued by the black haired man. He wanted to know him and talk to him. He wanted to _touch_ him.

Suddenly someone grabbed his arm and pulled him away from a sponsor, “Look at Katsuki.” Yuri said and Victor followed his gaze to a man who was clearly drunk and was dancing. It was Yuuri. The Yuuri that made his heart beat faster for some reason.

“Let's go to him and make some pictures!” Yuri exclaimed and pulled Victor towards the other Yuuri. Even though Yuuri was clearly drunk his dancing was amazing. He moved swiftly and enchanted everyone in the room. It was impossible for Victor to look away.

Chris joined them and whispered, “He's certainly having more fun than any of us.” Victor nodded in agreement. He was still hooked by the man. There was something pulling him, something begging him to step closer and just touch him. A camera click pulled Victor out of his thoughts and he turned to Chris who was snapping photos.

“Should you really be doing that?” Victor asked skeptically. Chris just smirked and answered, “One day these will come in handy, believe me.”

After that everything went so fast. Suddenly Yuri and Yuuri were dancing and having a competition. And then there was a pole and Chris was getting naked. Everyone was laughing and having fun and Victor felt so _alive._ He was so happy and his cheeks were hurting from all the grinning.

And then suddenly Yuuri was in front of him. He was so close Victor couldn't _breath_. He looked into those beautiful brown eyes and his heart clenched. He could touch Yuuri. They were so close Victor just had to lean towards Yuuri a bit and then they could touch. And god how he wanted to touch him. Feel how soft his skin was, how soft his hair.

Before he could touch him though Yuuri took a step back and with a big goofy smile begged Victor to dance with him. And that's what they did.

First they were far apart from each other but then as time went on they got closer and closer. Yuuri was amazing. He was able to go and go. And he seemed so happy and carefree. Victor was enchanted.

And then suddenly they touched. Victor hadn't notice how close they were but suddenly Yuuri placed his hand on Victor's hip. Victor could feel the place where Yuuri was touching him burn, the warmth spreading through his whole body and he wanted _more._ Victor placed his hand on Yuuri's waist and for some reason Victor felt content. His heartbeat slowed down, he felt safe and secure. But most of all he was happy. Really, really happy.

They danced. This time it was less of a dance off but more of a duett. They fit perfectly together knowing how the other would move, how the other would react. They just fit. They got closer and closer and closer. Victor was sure he was in heaven.

Later Yuuri would beg him to come to Hasetsu and become his coach. And Victor fell. Hard. How he was able to fall in love with a drunk man who was sweaty and grinding against him is still a mystery but there was just something about how Yuuri made him feel that made him fall.

Someone (Victor thinks it was Celestino) took Yuuri later on to his room. Victor was disappointed to see Yuuri go but he knew that the man needed to get sober. They would clearly see each other again, right?

When Victor cleaned himself up in order to finally go to bed he noticed his timer. Upon seeing the numbers his breath caught in his throat and everything just _stopped._

Because his timer stopped. The number weren't moving anymore. They were frozen.

And the first thing that crossed Victor's mind was:

_Yuuri_

xxx

And that's where everything went _wrong._ Victor had hoped that Yuuri would contact him somehow. Send him a text message, write something on social media. Anything.

But there was nothing. It was like Yuuri just disappeared after the night. Their night.

And it hurt. It hurt more than it should considering that Victor only knew the man for a night. But he was constantly reminded of those brown eyes and his laughter. The way Yuuri’s smile would reach his eyes. Most important Victor missed the way he felt that night. He craved that feeling.

When he saw Yuuri again at the Grand Prix Venue his heart started to flutter. He had felt Yuuri’s eyes on him and Victor turned around to see Yuuri staring at him. He wasn’t sure what to say. So he put on his smile that everyone loved and asked for a commemorative photo. He desperately hoped that Yuuri would laugh and come towards Victor so they could talk.

That never happened. Instead Yuuri’s face fell and he walked away. Away from Victor.

Victor had no idea what he had done wrong. He didn’t understand. Was Yuuri embarrassed of Victor? Or ashamed?

Everyday that went by since Yuuri walked away convinced Victor more and more that Yuuri was probably embarrassed or disappointed that Victor was his soulmate. And everyday it got harder and harder for Victor to take the first step and contact Yuuri. He tried a couple of times. He had gotten ahold of Yuuri's email adresse a couple of weeks back and he had typed out a text message asking if they could meet up or talk. Everytime he drafted the email and decided that he would send it another time.

In conclusion: he was a coward.

Victor tried skating again but he just couldn't come up with something new. He wasn't able to destroy his personality and make a new one. He didn't _want to_. For once in his life he just wanted to stay Victor. He was so tired, out of ideas and lonely. And heartbroken. But he tried to push that fact out of his mind.

Even Yuri noticed. The teenager send him looks all the time and called him a pathetic idiot. It was strangely accurate.

Yuri was also the one who send him the video. Victor had been cuddling with Makkachin when his phone buzzed with a text from Yuri.

_I can't stand seeing your pathetic face anymore just watch it and get the fuck out of here_

It was weird how a person could insult you and at the same time make a caring message.

Victor clicked on the link and it opened in YouTube where he firstly read the title:

**[Katsuki Yuuri] Tried to Skate Victor’s FS Program [Stay Close to Me]**

Victor's heart was beating faster than it did in a long time. He was nervous, anxious even, which he almost never is. Was this Yuuri’s message? Was this his way in coming into contact with Victor?

The video loaded and he watched the whole thing. He watched it again. And again. And again. How couldn't he? Yuuri was beautiful, breathtaking, amazing. His step sequence was amazing and he just portrayed so much emotion in the free skate. In Victor's mind Yuuri skated the program better than he ever did.

Of course Victor also checked Yuuri's arm. He wanted to know if Yuuri's timer also had stopped (that scenario had also been an option in Victor's imaginative mind. What if the reason behind Yuuri's silence was that his timer hadn't stopped and Yuuri wasn't his soulmate after all?) Unfortunately Yuuri had a wristband on which hid the numbers.

Victor tried to not feel disappointed by that. Instead he saw an opportunity he could use and exploit. He could fly to Japan under the disguise that he saw the video _and was only there for that one reason no other motivation_ and become Yuuri's coach. And maybe he could find out why Yuuri didn't contact him. Why he disappeared.  _Why he walked away from me._

xxx

Till this day Victor couldn't decide if that plan had been his greatest or stupidest idea ever. Yurio (it wasn't Yuri anymore; not after Hasetsu) would say it had been a stupid idea but Yurio always says that when it comes to Victor so he ignored the teenager.

Once he started to coach Yuuri it was impossible not to love the man. Victor thought he had fallen at the banquet, boy was he wrong. Everyday that went by Victor fell more and more. Everytime when he discovered a new side of Yuuri he fell deeper and deeper. He quickly found out that the personality Yuuri had shown at the banquet was more of a hidden one and not his default one. Yuuri was quite, quickly embarrassed, a bit clumsy and utterly adorable. Victor learned to love that personality just as much as the other one.

The first time Victor saw Yuuris timer he was positive that he’ll blackout. They had been at the onsen and Yuuri had uncovered his wrist. The numbers didn't move. They were frozen. _Just like Victors_. Victor knew that he was staring and he wanted to look away, he really did. But for some reason it was impossible. He was glued to the spot, his lungs were screaming for air and his heart was pounding so loudly that everyone must hear it.

Yuuri noticed, “Victor?” He asked uncertainly. A couple seconds later he noticed where Victors gaze was and he quickly covered his wrist with his other hand.

That stung. Victor was pretty sure that Yuuri was embarrassed or disappointed that Victor was his soulmate. Even though Victor had thought about those possibilities countless of times already having it confirmed was like a knife in his heart.

Why would Yuuri be embarrassed? What did Victor do wrong?

“Ahm sorry.” Victor apologized awkwardly and looked away from Yuuri.

“It's fine.” Yuuri mumbled.

The rest of the evening was spent in uncomfortable silence or awkward conversations.

xxx

The only people who knew were Chris and Yurio. Victor had told Chris on his own (kinda, not really). Chris had texted him the day after the banquet

_You were pretty smitten ;)_

Victor hadn't replied to the text and ignored it. He felt that this was special and he didn't want to be public about it. He didn't know why, he was just scared that whatever happened between him and Yuuri might break or disappear.

He texted Chris a couple days later

_How did you know you met your soulmate?_

_Well my timer stopped of course_

Victor groaned in frustration. Chris was sometimes so unhelpful

_Obviously but did you feel anything? A connection? Something?_

_My, my Victor. Is it Katsuki?_

Victor didn't text back and that was an answer enough for Chris.

Yurio was different. The teenager of course remembered the banquet, he saw Victors frozen timer and he noticed Victors foul mood. He put two and two together fairly quickly.

“Disgusting.” Was the comment Victor got.

xxx

As time progressed the urge to kiss Yuuri became stronger. Yuuri was breathtakingly beautiful and all Victor wanted to do was kiss him.

But Victor still didn't know if he was allowed to.

Victor used every chance he got to spend time with Yuuri. It was quite pathetic in a way. At the beginning Yuuri had been visibly uncomfortable but he also become more used to the touches, more used to _Victor_. It was nice.

“So Yuuri,” Victor began, “are you ready for the Cup of China?”

Yuuri looked up from his rice to look at Victor. There was determination in his eyes. Victor hoped that that determination and confidence would stay in Yuuri during the whole competition.

“I'll win. I promise.” Yuuri announced. Victor smiled at him. Yuuri was so cute with his glasses and his lightly reddened cheeks.

“That's my Yuuri.”

xxx

Victor kissed him.

Victor kissed Yuuri.

On the lips.

In front of the whole world.

And it was amazing.

Victor hadn't planned it or really thought about it. He had still been baffled and amazed by Yuuri's performance. His heart had still been beating quickly and adrenaline had been pumping through his veins.

When the music ended Victor started to run. He wanted to reach Yuuri. He wanted to hug Yuuri tightly and congratulate him. He wanted to tell Yuuri how amazing he was.

When he stood at the barrier and saw Yuuri skating fastly towards him with the happiest smile he made an impulsive decision.

After all he was famous for surprising people.

When Victor kissed those soft lips he forgot all his uncertainties and doubts. He forgot that they were soulmate and he forgot that for some reason Yuuri didn't want him.

In that moment they were only Yuuri and Victor.

xxx

Back at the hotel Victor noticed Yuuri's uncertainty. He wasn't sure _why or what_ he was uncertain about but it definitely was there.

“Yuuri?” He asked cautiously.

Yuuri froze for a moment but then put on a smile (which was clearly fake Victor wasn't stupid), “Yes?”

Victor took three steps towards Yuuri so he could stand right in front of the other skater. Yuuri's fake smile started to crumble and he looked lost.

“What's wrong?”

Victor hoped that maybe this was the talk that would finally, finally explain why Yuuri didn't acknowledge that they we're soulmates. Yuuri was clenching his fists and looked at everything except Victor. He took a big audible breath and found some inner strength because he met Victor's eyes.

“Can I kiss you again?” he asked.

_Well that wasn't what I expected._

“What?” Victor asked perplexed.

“I mean. Well, I thought that maybe… You kissed me and I-” Yuuri looked away embarrassed and his voice got quieter and more ashamed with every word, “I’m sorry I shouldn't have assumed anything.”

Yuuri took a step back and. that. was. definitely. not. okay. in. Victors. eyes. He quickly grabbed Yuuri's by his arm desperately trying to make the man stay.

“I would love to!” Victor blurted out, “I would love to kiss you again.”

Yuuri's eyes lighted up with hope, “Really?”

“Really.” Victor confirmed and gave Yuuri one of his heart-smiles.

Yuuri cupped his cheek with his left hand and Victor was slowly descending into heaven. Yuuri was so soft and warm. Slowly Yuuri leaned forward till their foreheads were touching. Victors breath caught in his throat and he began trembling.

“Yuuri,” Victor croaked out Yuuri's name. Yuuri used that as confirmation that he was allowed to kiss Victor. Their lips met again for the second time and it was just as amazing. Amazing in a whole different way. Yuuri was right there pressing against him. Victor felt warm. He felt so, so warm. Everything was perfect in that moment. Absolutely perfect.

xxx

Once Victor overheared a telephone conversation Yuuri had with Phichit. He didn't mean to, really he didn't.

They were back in Japan and Victor was walking through the dressing room at the ice rink when he heard Yuuri's voice. He was about to shout Yuuri's name but stopped when he noticed that Yuuri was currently talking to someone.

“Phichit I _can't_.” Yuuri sounded so broken and sad that Victor _hurt_. He could feel Yuuri's despair from the other side of the room.

“I don't want to talk about it. I'll just appreciate the time we have.”

Victor was confused. Was Yuuri talking about them?

“Because it won't last!” Yuuri croaked out the last sentence.

“Phichit let's talk about something else, _please_.” Yuuri begged his friend. Victor carefully walked out of the room using the other way to get to the ice.

When Yuuri joined him later Victor asked him how he felt. Yuuri said that he was fine. But there was sadness in his eyes and invisible weight pulling him down with every move he made.

Victor didn't push the topic.

xxx

 They still didn't talk about it. Victor had been with Yuuri for a couple of months now and they still haven't talked. And Victor still doesn't know why.

It hurts more than it should. They are together. Yuuri loves him and he loves Yuuri. Everything was perfect except that one thing.

And it bothered Victor. Like a lot.

Reporters were constantly asking him if Yuuri was his soulmate and he wanted to scream ‘Yes this beautiful perfect man is my soulmate’. He never said it. Instead he made a joke or said something that would get them away from the topic. It was exhausting.

What didn't make it better was that Chris was constantly annoying him.

“So you still haven't talked about it?” Chris had asked over the phone

“No.” Victor growled and opened the fridge _which contents still hadn't changed_ in the last three minutes.

“Victor I'm telling you this won't end well.” Chris reminded him for probably the hundredth time.

Victor forcefully closed the fridge, “And what, in your opinion should I do? Just go ‘Oh Yuuri by the way remember that we're soulmate but for some reason you walked away from me and I don't know why?’”

“Yes! Why not?”

“Certainly not!” Victor exclaimed.

“One of you has to do it!”

Victor clenched his fists, “I'm scared okay? Yuuri is the first person that I want to hold on to. He gives my life a meaning and I can't bear the thought of losing him!”

Chris sighed over the telephone line, “Victor that boy adores you. He wouldn't leave.”

“You don't know that!”

“Whatever.” Chris then changed the topic to ice skating and their next competition. Victor was glad he did.

xxx

“Let's end this”

That when all went to shit.

xxx

Barcelona had been beautiful. Victor adored the city, the food and the people. But most of all he adored showing Yuuri around. He adored seeing Yuuri all excited about the different places. Victor just genuinely loved everything about Yuuri so it wasn't really a surprise.

They had walked through the streets of Barcelona holding hands (that was probably the best thing Victor ever did. The constant weight of someone else in his hand, grounding him to the present and showing their commitment to the whole world).

The real surprise had been though when Yuuri stood in front of him face-flushed and hands slightly trembling at the cathedral. Yuuri had pulled off his gloves and put a ring on him. At first Victor had been stunned but then unimaginable joy had surged through his body. He had felt so unbelievably content.

And he wanted Yuuri to feel it to. He wanted Yuuri to feel safe and happy. He wanted Yuuri to feel reassured and loved. So to Yuuri's big surprised he pulled his ring out of his pocket and slowly glide the golden ring up Yuuris finger. Yuuri's expression was so pure and soft that Victor wanted to make a picture of it and look at him for the rest of his life.

After their mutual ring exchange they decided to get some takeaway and then go back to the hotel. Later on Victor heard that the other skaters and Mari and Minako had been out to have dinner together but unfortunately he and Yuuri had missed it.

Victor didn't complain. He and Yuuri had spent a lovely evening in their hotel room laughing, talking and dancing to obnoxious music.

Around 10 they had brushed their teeth together and then crawled into bed (Victor had pushed their two beds together which probably had been his best idea ever). Now they were laying side by side facing each other. Yuuri pushed a strand of hair out of his face. For some reason he looked troubled and sad. Victor didn't understand why, not after their wonderful day?

“I love you,” Yuuri whispered.

Victor beamed at him and then put an arm around Yuuri’s waist. He pulled Yuuri closer towards him and kissed his forehead.

“I love you too, solnyshko,” Victor whispered into Yuuri’s hair, “I love you so much.”

Yuuri started to cry.

Victor shot up from their position and looked down at Yuuri who was hiding his face behind his hands. The crying came so unexpected. Especially after Victor's love confession.

“Yuuri? What?” Victor was lost for words. He _wasn't good_ at this sort of stuff.

“It's nothing Victor.” Yuuri tried to wave him off and started to get up.

“But you're crying!” Victor pointed out.

Yuuri smiled at him but it looked so forced and sad that it broke Victor's heart. He wanted to pull Yuuri towards him and wanted to make all his troubles go away. But he didn't know _how._

“I'm just happy.” Yuuri explained. Victor knew it was a lie. Yuuri knew it was a lie. Victor didn't call Yuuri out for it.

Yuuri got up from their bed. The distance between them grew physically as well as emotionally. Victor hated it.

“Go back to sleep Victor, I'm going to clean up.” And with that Yuuri disappeared in the bathroom.

Victor wanted to stay up till Yuuri was back and he wanted to talk about what just happened. Victor groaned in frustration and pushed his head into the pillow. It smelled like Yuuri.

Yuuri returned later. Much later than the time that you needed in a bathroom. Victor was half asleep cuddling the pillow _that smelled just like Yuuri_. Yuuri crawled down next to Victor which was a big relief.

Yuuri kissed Victors nose whispering ‘goodnight’. Victor fell asleep as the exhaustion and turmoil of the day weighted him down.

They didn't talk.

xxx

Victor knew that Yuuri was beating himself up over the one missed landing in his Eros program. Victor watched Yuuri breakdown on the ice and he desperately, oh so desperately wanted to run to his fiancé and comfort him.

When Yuuri stepped of the ice the first thing he said to Victor was ‘I'm sorry.’ Victor was so perplexed he forgot to comfort Yuuri.

xxx

That later on turned out to be a mistake.

It also turned out that they were on two very different pages.

“Let's end this.”

_That, that was definitely NOT what Victor had expected._

Victor was shocked. He didn’t know what to say, what to _think_. Yuuri couldn’t possibly mean… he couldn’t mean that literally right? Not after everything that happened. Not after yesterday!?

“I don’t- I don’t understand.” Victor stuttered out. He tried to meet Yuuri’s eyes, tried to figure out _what the hell was happening_. But Yuuri wouldn’t met his eyes. His gaze was downcast and he was bowing in front of Victor.

“Thank you Victor. For everything that you did.”

It sounded so much like a goodbye. And it hurt it really did. Victor thought they had forever. Apparently not. All his doubts and questions about Yuuri and their Soulmate status came crushing down on him. The endless questions about _Why did he walk away? Why was he embarrassed? Why did they never talk about it?_. They all swirled around in his head and the feeling of not being enough, not being good enough dominated right now and he couldn’t stop the tears. He couldn’t stop them trickling down his cheek and chin till one fell and landed on his foot.

Victor never cried.

Yuuri quickly looked up, shocked from seeing Victor cry.

“What? Why are you crying? Victor?” The fact that Yuuri didn’t even seem to understand hurt even more. It made Victor angry. Why would Yuuri want to destroy their relationship and the best thing that ever happened to Victor. It was unbelievably cruel to show Victor Life and Love and then take it away immediately. It was not fair.

“You’re selfish!” Victor shouted. Yuuri recoiled as if hit.

“I’m what…?” Yuuri asked his voice soft and quite. It made the situation a whole lot worse, “I’m doing this for you.”

Victor clenched his hands. He didn’t dare make eye contact with Yuuri. He was afraid he might break if he looked into those beautiful brown eyes.

“Why would you hurt me like this then? If you’re doing this for me? Hm?” Victor challenged.

“I-” Yuuri choked on a sob, obviously not knowing what to say or do. Victor was torn between comforting him and letting the topic rest and stubbornly trying to get an answer because these next couple of minutes might be the most important of his life.

“Why would my soulmate want to leave me?” Victor knew it was a low blow but he was hurting and he desperately wanted to protect himself from any more heartbreak. The only was he knew how to defend himself was to hurt back.

Yuuri took in a big breath, “What? What does this have to do with your soulmate?” Yuuri was crying now Victor could hear it. He could hear Yuuri's sniffles and gasps and it tore Victor apart. He hated, absolutely hated seeing Yuuri crying. Victor was planning on replying to Yuuri’s question but Yuuri beat him to it, “This is exactly why I’m doing this! So you can find your soulmate! So you can be with the person that you are suppose to be with without me holding you back! Why are you making this so painful Victor?” The last sentence was chocked out of Yuuri.

“Find my soulmate?” Victor asked surprised. His anger washed away suddenly and he was able to look at Yuuri. Their eyes met for a second before Yuuri looked away again but Victor saw so much it that short intense second. He saw Yuuri’s anxiety, his honesty and most importantly _his love._

“But I already found my soulmate.”

“Wait? You did?” Yuuri asked. Victor slowly but surely understood what was going on, “So why aren’t you with them?”

Victor grabbed Yuuri’s hand and held it tight, “Because I already am.”

Yuuri looked up surprised and met Victor’s eyes. Victor smiled lightly at him and with the thumb of his free hand he wiped away a tear that was rolling down Yuuri’s cheek.

“I don’t understand.” Yuuri whispered, “Your timer. It stopped. So you already met your soulmate.”

“Yuuri don’t you know? You are my soulmate.” Victor pronounced every word so that Yuuri couldn’t misunderstand what he was saying because apparently they have been having a lot of misunderstanding lately. Victor freed his wrist from the fabric that hid his timer and he present the numbers proudly.

“It stopped at the banquet last year.”

Yuuri touched the numbers cautiously like they might burn him and Victor shivered slightly at the featherlight touch.

“At the banquet, you say?” Yuuri whispered and then his hand dropped back to his lap, “Then it can’t be me. I didn’t even talk to you back then.”

Victor was baffled. Quickly he thought back to that night. He thought about the way Yuuri danced, how they had touched. And he is positive that that had been Yuuri. Absolutely positive.

Victor put a hand under Yuuri’s chin and made him look into Victor's eyes. He wanted, _no needed_ Yuuri to understand.

“Yuuri that night we danced together and it had been the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. I still remember the exact moment that you first touched me. The warmth that spread through me. I was intrigued by you. And my timer stopped that night. I knew it couldn’t be anyone than you. I’m sure it happened.” Victor desperately wanted Yuuri to believe him.

 

_**“Should you really be doing that?” Victor asked skeptically. Chris just smirked and answered, “One day these will come in handy, believe me.”** _

 

“Chris even made pictures. I can show you!”

Yuuri was unwrapping his piece of cloth from his wrist and looked at the numbers displayed there. Victor also looked at them. Both of their timers were side by side.

With a quiet voice Yuuri began to explain, “I woke up the day after the banquet with a hangover. I don’t remember anything of what happened that night. I’m sorry Victor. I thought that I got drunk and that Celestion had broughten me home early on in the evening. I woke up the next day and I saw that my timer stopped. I always thought that I met someone at the competition. That day I had shaken so many hands I lost track and I thought it had been one of them. I was ashamed that I missed my soulmate.” Yuuri took a deep breath, “I never thought that I was your soulmate. I thought you were only using me as a substitute till you find your soulmate.”

 _I never thought that I was your soulmate. I thought you were only using me as a substitute till you find your soulmate._ That sentence ingrained itself into Victor’s mind and slung itself around Victor’s heart. It hurt. It hurt to think about the fact that the whole time Yuuri had been thinking that he was only a substitute.

 

**_“I’m sorry I shouldn't have assumed anything.”_ **

**_The way he covered his wrist whenever Victor looked at his timer_ **

**_‘I'm sorry.’_ **

**_Yuuri always avoiding the topic of soulmates_ **

**_On the telephone with Phichit “I don't want to talk about it. I'll just appreciate the time we have.”, “Because it won't last!”_ **

**_His sad smile._ **

**_Yuuri starting to cry when Victor said ‘I love you.’_ **

 

Victor understood everything so much better now. His own questions were finally answered. Yuuri had never ignored him, he hadn’t known in the first place.

Victor took Yuuri into his arms. He wanted to cuddle his beloved forever and never, never let him go again.Yuuri started to cry into his chest. Victor stroked Yuuri’s soft hair and desperately tried stopping himself from crying.

“Yuuri you were never a substitute. Please don’t ever think that again.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri sniffed against his chest.

“Stop apologizing. It’s not your fault.” Victor explained fiercely. They were silent after that. They didn’t dare break the silence that settled around them. Everything seemed different now. Everything _was_ different now.

“So,” Victor began after a while. Even though they had talked a lot there were still some things they needed to discuss, “We won't end this, right?”

Yuuri chuckled lightly and pushed himself away from Victor’s chest, “No we won’t. But there is something that I would like to change. I know that you want to go back to the ice. You should.”

“Only under one condition,” Victor demanded. Yuuri raised his eyebrows. “I’ll stay your coach.”

Yuuri smiled. He seemed so much happier and lighter now, “Okay. I’ll love that.”

“Yuuri?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” And Victor dove down and kissed his Yuuri. The kiss one of the best they ever shared. Nothing was pulling them down anymore. There were no doubts and unspoken topics. It was just them, Yuuri and Victor and their love.

xxx

Chris and Yurio noticed of course. They always did. They noticed the way Victor finally admitted that Yuuri was his soulmate. They noticed how carefree and happy they were.

Yurio gave them a grossed out look and told them that he would never attend their wedding.

Chris gave Victor a thumbs up, “Now that you talked can I finally post the pictures?”

“What pictures?” Yuuri asked confused.

Chris winked at Yuuri, “Well the ones where we are half-naked and pole dancing.”

“WHAT?!” Victor had never seen Yuuri redder in his whole life.

xxx

  
They didn’t cover their timers anymore.

Victor loved staring at their wrist side by side.

26 years, 11 months, 16 days, 21 hours, 3 minutes and 18 seconds  
23 years, 0 months, 14 days, 9 hours, 49 minutes and 55 seconds


	2. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here is Yuuri's pov!

Yuuri woke up and he felt like shit. 

 

His head hurt, his body felt  sticky  and he felt disoriented. He tried to open his eyes but it was too bright and the light hurt his eyes. He quickly shut them again and decided to just go back to sleep.

 

He quickly noticed that he couldn't. He felt disgusting and there was something in the back of his mind that wouldn't let him rest.

 

Yuuri slowly got up pushing himself up from the bed and testing every limb. He felt like death.

 

“What happened?” He whispered into the silent hotel room. From somewhere he could hear a car honk as well as footsteps down the hallway. Usually the sounds would comfort him, remind him that there were other humans out there but today he wished for everything to be blissfully silent.

 

Yuuri looked around the room and he could confirm that he was in his hotel room. 

 

He had no idea how he got there.

 

_ What happened? _

 

He remembers the Grand Prix Final, he remembers his skating (he really wished he could forget that though), he remembers being devastated about it and he remembers Vichan.

 

Yuuri sucks in a breath. He still can't wrap his head around the fact that his dog was dead. It hurt to even think about it.

 

Yuuri quickly pushed those thoughts away. He knows that he will start crying if he continues going down that memory and he really,  _ really  _ doesn't feel like crying right now even though it would fit his current aesthetic well. 

 

The banquet. That also happened. That's where his memory ends. He went to the banquet with Celestino even though he hadn't felt like it. He had still felt miserable from his loss and wanted to curl up in his bed and just cry. Celestino had talked him out of it telling him he needn't to meet new people and maybe find sponsors (as if someone would sponsor him). So Yuuri went. He hated it the second he stepped into the place. He hated how everyone was way out of his league. He hated how awkward and  _ wrong  _ he felt. 

 

He also hated being so near to his idol Victor Nikiforov and not being able to talk to him (but that was a whole different matter).

 

And what did Yuuri do then?

 

Oh right he drank. He ordered champagne. A lot of it in fact.

 

God, he was so stupid. He knew that he was a lightweight. 

 

Yuuri looked around for his phone. He needed to know right now if he had embarrassed himself yesterday or not.

 

He texted Celestino asking his coach if he had brought Yuuri back to the hotel yesterday. 

 

Yuuri stared at his phone willing it to answer  _ right now. _

 

_ Please, please answer yes. _

 

His phone lit up with a received text message and Yuuri quickly unlocked his phone and let out a relieved breath.

 

_ Good Afternoon Yuuri! Yes I brought you to your room yesterday. How do you feel? _

 

How did he feel? He felt like shit. He felt horrible in so many ways. The only good thing right now was that Celestino has brought him home.

 

_ I'm fine. Thank you for bringing me back. I’m sorry.  _

 

_ No worries. Just make sure that you are ready to make your flight. _

 

Yuuri checked the time.

 

14:36

 

God, how long had he slept? His flight was in the evening so he still had a couple of hours to become human again. 

 

He thanked Celestino and confirmed that they would meet at the Grand Prix Venue so that they could then go to the airport together.

 

Yuuri plugged in his phone since he forgot to do it yesterday evening and walked to the bathroom. He didn't dare look at his face in the mirror because he knew he would look awful. Yuuri striped out of his clothes and stepped into the shower. The warm water felt amazing on his skin, washig away all the dirt and sweat from yesterday. Yuuri took a deep breath and relaxed. Showers were wonderful. He wouldn't know what to do without them.

 

He glanced at his timer while he grabbed the bottle of shampoo. He quickly washed his hair and then went to get some body lotion when he looked at his timer again. And now he was sure that something was off.

 

Yuuri put his wrist in front of his eyes in order to see better (it sucked not being able to see like other human beings) and stared at his numbers. His numbers that should be adding up. His numbers that weren't moving.

 

Realisation hit him.

 

_ Oh no. Oh no, no, no. _

 

He almost slipped in the shower barely catching himself on the tile. 

 

Yuuri stared at the numbers willing them to add up again. They didn't. They stayed frozen.

 

23 years, 0 months, 14 days, 9 hours, 49 minutes and 55 seconds

 

Yuuri quickly turned off the shower and got out. He grabbed a towel, sat down on the toilet seat and stared at his wrist in disbelief.

 

Yuuri had met his soulmate. He had met the person that was suppose to love and stay with him. He had met the person that Yuuri had craved to meet since he knew that a thing like soulmates exists.

 

And he missed them. 

 

Yuuri didn't know who his soulmate was.

 

Shame spread through him. Who forgets their soulmate? How must the other person feel? Did they even know that Yuuri was their soulmate?

 

This was a mess.

 

Yuuri tried to think back on who his soulmate could be. He was sure that the timer had still been counting before the Grand Prix Final. So it must have happened at the event somewhere. Yuuri tried to remember someone who he had felt connected to but he couldn't remember a single person that stood out. He had shaken so many hands, brushed so many bodies. He couldn't recall how most of the people even looked like.

 

“Crap,” he let his wrist fall onto his lap and Yuuri blinked tears away. Why was everything going so horribly wrong in his life right now? Why couldn't something just work for once?

 

Yuuri honestly didn't know what to do right now. He felt so helpless. Yuuri had always envisioned his meeting with his soulmate to go differently. He wanted to have that special moment and instant connection. He wanted to ask them out directly and go on a romantic date. He had planned on  _ falling in love. _

 

Yuuri was a hopeless romantic and this, this right now was definitely not romantic.

 

He couldn't do anything. He had missed his soulmate and there was nothing that could be done about it. He needed to wait till his soulmate contacted him.  _ If  _ they wanted to contact him.

 

Later in the day when Yuuri was at the Grand Prix Venue he felt something. He could feel this connection, the connection that everyone was always talking about. His heart began to speed up and hope spread through him, hope that his soulmate was here. And when someone said his name he quickly turned around to look for the person that spoke. 

 

It was Victor Nikiforov.

 

Disappointment overtook his hope. He was stupid for thinking that his soulmate was here. Victor was his longtime idol of course he would feel  _ something _ when his idol was around. 

 

Yuuri knew that he was staring. He  _ really, really  _ should stop, turn around and  _ just go _ . Before he did something stupid and embarrass himself.

 

But he couldn't. Yuuri couldn't take his eyes of the beautiful man in front of him. Something was pulling him towards Victor. He had felt this pulling since he had been a child but right now, standing so close, it was unbearable. 

 

Victor turned around and smiled at Yuuri. He asked for a commemorative photo. And something in Yuuri shattered. He _didn't_ _want_ a commemorative photo, he wanted to be something _more_ that just a passing fan. He didn't want Victor to remember him as a fan he once took a photo with.

 

So Yuuri turned around and walked away. 

 

xxx

 

"Phichit I don't know. I just-” Yuuri led out a long sigh. Everything was a mess, his life, his skating, his soulmate.  _ He  _ was a mess.

“Yuuri you must remember! It's your soulmate! I heard that you feel a connection when you see your soulmate. That you desperately want to touch them. Did you feel that?”

“No!” Yuuri was so exhausted. He appreciated Phichits eagerness and his ambition to help and find Yuuri’s ‘missing’ soulmate but he was just  _ so tired _ , “I don't remember anything in that way. There was nothing like that.”

Phichit was silent on the other side of the line probably thinking really hard about a method to find Yuuri's soulmate.

“Maybe they’ll contact you?” Yuuri led out a long groan. 

“Yeah and who wouldn't want to do that?” Yuuri said sarcastically. His soulmate had been at the Grand Prix Final and with a high probability knew a lot about ice skating. So who in their right mind would want to end up with him?

“Yuuri,” Phichits voice was soft and Yuuri knew what was coming, “You shouldn't degrade yourself or your talents like that. Your a great skater and if your soulmate doesn't see that they are a jerk and you don't deserve them anyway.”

Phichit was an amazing friend and Yuuri knew that. But his doubts didn't go away like that. They couldn't just simply disappear because someone said something different. 

“Thank you Phichit. I'll keep you updated, yes?”

“Well Yuuri as your best friend I would hope so!”

Yuuri chuckled quietly and then changed the topic to Phichit and his training. They talked awhile till they both decided that it was enough.

After the conversation with Phichit he felt a bit better. It had felt good telling Phichit about his timer and how he couldn't remember who his soulmate was. He didn't feel like he was being suffocated anymore by the weight of the knowledge that he had touched his soulmate.

Even though he still didn't know who his soulmate was he just felt better. Phichit had that on him he could make you feel better in a second. 

Unfortunately the problem still remained. Yuuri still felt ashamed of missing his soulmate, ashamed that he didn't  _ feel  _ the connection like you were supposed to. He felt bad for his soulmate. Yuuri honestly wouldn't blame his soulmate if they decided to never contact him.

Someone was calling him from downstairs, probably his mother and ordered him to come and eat. Yuuri stood up from his desk and was about to open the door when he saw his wrist. His wrist that wasn't adding up numbers anymore. His family couldn't see or they would ask questions and demand to know who Yuuri’s soulmate was. And what should Yuuri answer them? ‘I'm sorry but I kinda missed them and now I have no idea who it is?’ His mother would pity him and his sister laugh. He rather not. 

Yuuri quickly ran to his wardrobe and changed into a long sleeved shirt. He would have to find a piece of fabric in order to permanently cover it.

  
xxx

 

When Victor turned up, to say that Yuuri was shocked is an understatement. Honestly, Yuuri doesn't know what he should feel. He is surprised, shocked, curios and nervous. But most of all he is happy. He's really happy. Victor is funny and a real dork. 

He only knows Victor for two weeks so far but he enjoys Victor’s company. At the beginning he had been very nervous and self conscious around Victor. He just seemed so perfect and everything felt to good to be true but now Yuuri really enjoys Victor’s company. It's still weird sometimes and Yuuri still doesn't really understand why Victor was here but he tries to make the best of the situation.

He also learned a lot about Victor. Victor was a very energetic and happy person. He laughs a lot, teases people (in a nice way), loves touching people (especially Yuuri) and is amazed by everything.

Yuuri thinks it's charming. But when was Victor anything but?

Yuuri's real doubts begin when Victor walks around with a short sleeved t-shirt. That's when he sees Victor's timer. Yuuri first thinks he's not seeing correctly and that he needs a new prescription for his glasses but it turns out that he's seeing just fine and that yes indeed Victors timer is frozen.

The numbers won't move and Yuuri is shocked. He didn't know that Victor had met his soulmate already. Stuff like this usually explodes all over social media. Yuuri knows that people have been gossiping about Victor's soulmate and who it might be since the beginning of time. This development must be new then.

For some reason Yuuri hates this new information. He hates the idea that Victor might have found his soulmate. 

He's shocked by his own jealousy.

“Yuuri?” Victor says his name softly. 

Yuuri looks up and stares into Victor's eyes, “Yes?”

“I was asking if you could show me around a bit more? I would love to see more of Hasetsu.”

“Oh sure!” Yuuri answers.

Victor smiles one of his heart-smiles and claps his hands excitedly, “Great!!!”

Yuuri can't stop thinking about Victor's timer. He wants to push the thoughts away, convince himself that it doesn't matter but for some reason  _ it does.  _ It does matter and he hates it.

_ Who _ was Victor's soulmate and  _ why  _ was Victor not with them? Why was Victor here with Yuuri instead of spending time with the person that was destined for him? It doesn't make sense.

Yuuri hated the uncertainty.

  
xxx

 

Yurio came to Japan and everything got even more confusing than it already had been. Yuuri liked Yurio even though the teenager constantly insulted everyone but there was something sweet about him and Yuuri tried to see the ‘real’ Yurio behind all the insults.

Yurio was mostly hostile towards Yuuri so when one evening Yurio was approaching him with a, well  _ more friendlier _ face he was surprised and curios.

“Hey Yurio,” Yuuri greeted the other skater.

“Stop calling me that.” He hissed and sat down opposite of Yuuri. Yurio got out his phone and was ignoring Yuuri but there seemed to be something on his mind since Yurio sneaked glances towards Yuuri every couple of minutes. Yuuri  ignored the other skaters presence and tried to concentrate on the newspaper in front of him.

“Are you two fucking yet, or...?”

Yuuri was sure that if he had something in his mouth right now he would have either spit it out in shock or choked to death. Right now the second version seemed like a nice escape from this conversation that he  _ definitely  _ didn't want to have.

“Excuse me?” Yuuri challenged and looked at Yurio who was intensely staring at him.

“Everyone is wondering. I thought this would be the fastest way finding out. Problem?”

Yuuri was sure he was blushing. He hated how quickly embarrassed he got, “I- no? No we're not doing- that.” He croaked out the last word. 

“Hmm weird.” Yurio pointed out.

“Weird?” Yuuri asked.

“Well why do you think he came here?” Yurio stated.

“To coach me?” He knew his answer sounded more like a question than an answer. 

Yurio shrugged with his shoulders, “I guess.” Yurio was concentrating on his phone again. Yuuri should be glad that the conversation seemed to be over but there were some questions he wanted answered and Yurio knew Victor.

“Victor has a soulmate.” Yuuri stated. He wasn't letting this conversation go. Sometimes he really hated himself.

Yurio looked up, surprise all over his face, “Yes? Shouldn't you know?”

“Why should I know?” Yuuri questioned. 

“Are you kidding me? Of course you should know since-,” for some reason Yurio caught himself off before bringing the sentence to an end. Yuuri felt like he was missing something. Yuuri was about to ask ‘ _ since what?’  _ but Yurio beat him to it.

“Victor met his soulmate at the banquet last year,” Yurio’s eyes met his and Yuuri felt like he was being tested but he didn't know  _ what _ he was being tested on.

“Why isn't he with his soulmate then?” Yuuri asked.

“Because he walked away from Victor.” Yurio answered. He didn't seemed to be testing Yuuri anymore probably having already found what he had been looking for and was now staring at him with a sad face.

“Oh,” Yuuri didn't know what to say to that. That was sad. He couldn't understand how someone would walk away from Victor. Victor was such a lovely and kind man, who wouldn't want him as soulmate?

“That's sad.”

Yurio snorted and got up from the table, a clear signal that the conversation was over, “I guess. I don't give a shit about all of this soulmate stuff it only makes people stupid.” And with that Yurio walked away.

Yuuri was left alone in the room with his thoughts. He wanted to comfort Victor in some way but he didn't know how. Strange how Yuuri seemed to be in a similar situation like Victor just that he didn't know  _ who  _ is soulmate was in the first place.

Yurio was right. Soulmates didn't bring happiness like promised in all the books and movie. Rather it brought longing and disappointment. 

  
xxx

 

Yuuri tried to hide his timer from Victor. He didn’t want to answer any questions about the topic and he didn’t want to confess to Victor that he had no idea who his soulmate was. It was just too embarrassing.

It was an accident and he really hadn’t planned on Victor finding out but now it was a bit too late. They were at the onsen and Yuuri could feel Victor staring at him.

“Victor?” He asked, confused on why he was staring at Yuuri with such a shocked expression.

Yuuri followed Victors gaze and noticed that the man was looking at his wrist. The wrist where his timer was. Yuuri felt embarrassment run through him and he quickly covered his timer. He didn't want Victor to see how fucked up his life was. Yuuri looked up to see Victor's reaction but he was confused by what he saw. Victor didn't look curious but he rather looked sad. 

“Ahm sorry,” Victor apologized awkwardly and then looked away from Yuuri.

“It's fine,” Yuuri mumbled not really sure what he should say.

_ This is so awkward _

Since Yuuri found out that Victor’s soulmate had walked away he was more confused than ever. He felt bad for Victor and hoped the man didn't take it too seriously. Yuuri was also upset with the person who had just walked away. He wished he could meet this man and ask him why he wouldn't want to be with someone as beautiful and pure as Victor.

There was one aspect that confused Yuuri though. He didn't understand why Victor was constantly flirting with him and touching him. Maybe Yuuri served as some kind of substitute since Victor couldn't have his real soulmate? That thought hurt and Yuuri desperately wished that that was not true but there weren't any other plausible possibilities.

And the scary thing was that Yuuri was okay with that. He  _ liked  _ Victor. He liked being touched by him. He liked the affection and attention. And he didn't want it to stop. He wanted more. He wanted to hug Victor and be near him. He wanted to kiss Victor and see his reaction.

He wanted Victor and if there was even a slight chance that Victor wanted him back, no matter the reason, Yuuri would say yes.

And Yuuri was afraid of that.

  
Yuuri was afraid of himself and his willingness to get his heart broken.

 

xxx

 

Victor had kissed him.

Yuuri could still feel Victor's lips on his, his body against his chest, his hand in Yuuri's hair. He could still  _ feel  _ it even though two hours had already gone by. Yuuri feels warm and content. He wants to have Victor's mouth on his again. And again. And again. He never wants to stop kissing Victor.

They still hadn't talked about the kiss since they hadn't had any privacy yet and Yuuri was uncertain. He wasn't uncertain about his own feelings, no Yuuri knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted Victor to kiss him again. He wanted to cuddle with Victor. He wanted to love Victor.

Yuuri just didn't know if Victor  _ wanted that. _

“Yuuri?” Victor asked cautiously and Yuuri knew that he had to make a decision soon.

Yuuri froze for a moment but then put on a fake smile. He needed a bit more time. He needed to  _ decide _ . His hands were sweating, his heart pounding.  _ What does Victor want? _

“Yes?” Yuuri asks.

Victor took a couple of steps towards Yuuri and looked into his eyes. Victor was looking directly at him and Yuuri knew that he couldn't convince Victor that everything was fine. He stopped smiling. 

Yuuri  _ knows  _  that this is a bad idea. He was only temporarily and one day Victor would have enough of him and look for his soulmate. Victor would probably try to be nice about it and wouldn't purposely want to hurt Yuuri but Yuuri knows that it would hurt. It would hurt to lose the person you were in love with.

“What's wrong?” Victor asked. He sounded so clear and strong and Yuuri knew in that moment what he would do.

Yuuri gathered the facts. He was in love with Victor he couldn't doubt that. He also wanted Victor. He wanted to kiss him and be with him.

Victor had a soulmate and would leave Yuuri one day in order to search for them. He was only temporarily, a substitute. That was  _ fine.  _ But at least Victor seemed to be interested in Yuuri, right? Victor wasn't cruel and he wouldn't kiss Yuuri in front of so many people just to  _ surprise  _ them.

Yuuri had a soulmate. He had no idea who this person was. And honestly he didn't really care. His soulmate had never tried to contact him, they probably also didn't know that Yuuri was their soulmate. It was tragic but Yuuri was fine with that. He had Victor instead.

Also he didn't have to give Victor his whole heart. Yuuri could control how much he would give Victor. He could stay detached a bit so that it wouldn't hurt as much in the end. He could do this. He could.

Yuuri would treasure his and Victor's time. He would enjoy every second. He wanted this.

And he made a decision. Yuuri took a deep breath, clenched his fists and met Victors blue eyes.

“Can I kiss you again?” he asked. 

_ Please say yes. Please, please say yes. _

“What?” Victor asked perplexed.

“I mean. Well, I thought that maybe… You kissed me and I-” Yuuri looked away embarrassed and his voice got quieter and more ashamed with every word. He wasn't so sure anymore. He thought Victor wanted this to but maybe Yuuri had been wrong all along? The confidence that he had summoned from somewhere was vanishing quickly and self-doubt was settling in, “I’m sorry I shouldn't have assumed anything.”

God, Yuuri was stupid to think that Victor might actually like him. Yuuri took a step back. He needed to get away and die in shame somewhere else. But before he could walk away Victor's hand grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

“I would love to!” Victor blurted out, “I would love to kiss you again.”

Yuuri's heart was picking up speed again. He pushed all the doubts away  _ because Victor wanted to kiss him again.  _

“Really?” Yuuri asked cautiously.

“Really.” Victor confirmed and gave Yuuri one of his heart-smiles. 

Yuuri died on the spot. There was a short second of panic where he didn't know what to do but Yuuri shoved the panic away and concentrated on his feelings and desires. For once in his life Yuuri wanted to be brave and initiate something.

Yuuri cupped Victor's cheek with his left hand. His heart was beating loudly and adrenaline washed through him. He had never done this before. Never done it with  _ a person that mattered.  _ Yuuri leaned forward till their foreheads touched and looked into Victor's eyes. Even after all this time he was amazed by how blue and clear they were. Yuuri loved Victor's eyes.

“Yuuri,” Victor croaked out his name and something in a Yuuri broke. Hearing someone say his name  _ like that _ broke Yuuri's last hesitation. Yuuri surged forward till he could feel warm lips against his. He sucked in a surprised breath. Even though he had initiated their second kiss and knew it was coming Yuuri still couldn't believe that he was kissing Victor. It felt too good to be true. 

But it was true. It wasn't a dream, it wasn't a fantasy. This, this right here was _ real. _ Victor's warm body was real. Victor's lips were real. Victor was real.

Yuuri could cry of happiness.

 

xxx

 

When Yuuri made the decision to kiss Victor again and begin a real relationship he hadn't anticipated  _ how  _ badly he would fall. He had thought that he could keep himself distant a bit. Detached. 

He quickly learned that he couldn't. His whole heart was in it. 

His heart, his body, his soul, his  _ life. _

Yuuri had been stupid to believe that he could protect himself. It was impossible. Everytime Victor smiled at him like Yuuri was his whole world, every time Victor touched him, every time Victor laughed, every time Victor got excited about something. Every damn time Yuuri's heart would beat like wild and he would fall deeper.

It was hell and heaven at the same time.

Yuuri hated the dark thoughts in the background of his mind. He hated the constant reminder that  _ Victor had a soulmate and that Yuuri wasn't his.  _ He hated reality and he rather live in a dream world where Victor would  _ stay _ and not leave one day.

He never cried about it. But sometimes he really,  _ really  _ wanted to.

Like right now. Yuuri was watching Victor play around with Makkachin. Makkachin was having the time of his life constantly wiggling his tail, barking excitedly and jumping around. Victor was laughing, his smile reached his eyes, there was something warm and peaceful in Victor's eyes. He just seemed so  _ happy.  _

Usually Yuuri would join them but right now he felt like shit. He wanted to curl up and cry his heart out. He wanted to blame someone on the unfairness of the situation.

Watching Makkachin and Victor like that made something in Yuuri ache. Yuuri wanted this. He wanted quiet nights in Victor's arms, he wanted to play with Makkachin till the dog got bored, he wanted to take walks at the seaside with Victor, he wanted to see Victor happy. 

Yuuri didn't want this to ever stop. 

But he had to let it go someday.

“Yuuri!” Victor called his name and waved at him, “Come and join me.”

Yuuri had to smile despite his dark mood. He loved this man. 

Yuuri pushed all the dark thoughts away. He would deal with them later. Right now he wanted to live and enjoy himself. Yuuri ran towards Makkachin who (if it was possible) got even more excited.

This right here, right now was good.

 

xxx

 

It all comes crashing down on him when Victor has to fly back to Japan because of Makkachin. Yuuri knows that he made the right decision with sending Victor back but it still hurts to be away from the man that he had spend every single day with for the last couple of months.

He misses Victor desperately. Yuuri is constantly searching for the man in the crowd, constantly turning around wanting to tell Victor something just to realize that he wasn't there.

_ It's better this way.  _

Yuuri tries to use it as an opportunity. An opportunity to get used to his old life again. His pre-Victor life. He needs to know how to function without the man, that way the grief would be hold at bay. 

Yuuri tells himself this the whole day but he finally breaks after the competition in his hotel room.

The whole day Yuuri had been convincing himself that he was  _ just fine _ without Victor, that he could easily live without Victor again. He even made it to the Grand Prix Final by himself.

But sitting there alone in the hotel room with the two beds but without the second inhabitant really, really sucked. 

Yuuri needed to fucking stop lying to himself. He wasn't okay or better of without Victor. He hated it, he hated every second.

He missed that man so much his  _ whole body ached. _

Yuuri felt pathetic sitting there on his bed, alone in the dark staring at an empty space where a second person should be. 

_ Victor probably didn't miss me that much. _

Yuuri clutched the white blanket underneath him. He wanted to see Victor again. So badly. He didn't want to give up what he had with Victor. Yuuri didn't want Victor to leave. 

He wanted to wake up every morning with Victor next to him. He wanted to eat dinner with Victor. He wanted to fall asleep with Victor. He wanted to cook with Victor. He  _ wanted! _

Slowly, one after the other, tears rolled down his cheeks. Yuuri didn't want to stop them. He didn't have the energy to. He was so tired of pretending that everything was okay and that he could deal with Victor leaving one day. He wasn't fine.

So Yuuri let himself cry. He cried silently, weeping for a love that was doomed to fail from the start.

“Victor,” Yuuri whispers into the silent room, “I don't want you to leave. Please,  _ please  _ stay by my side.”

xxx

On the flight back to Japan Yuuri had a lot of time to think about his current situation. He knew that no amount of crying would make Victor stay. Yuuri didn't want Victor to stay because of pity or guilt. Yuuri wanted Victor to stay because he wanted to.

But Victor would never want to stay if Yuuri wasn't worthy of him. 

Yuuri needed to get the gold medal at the Grand Prix Final. 

Yuuri needed to prove that he was worth Victor's time.

 

xxx

 

Yuuri loved Barcelona. He loved the architecture, the different culture, the different trees and plants. Yuuri loved how Victor took him sightseeing and explained everything to Yuuri when he didn't understand or know something.

He had so much fun. 

Yuuri loved how domestic they were, how well they completed each other. They finished each other's sentences, thought the same things, laughed at the same jokes. Yuuri adored it when they walked hand in hand through Barcelona. Their love was for all to see and Yuuri almost teared up. He felt so loved and treasured. And all the ugly thoughts that had been hunting him since the beginning were blissfully silent.

So he brought a ring. He wanted to stay with Victor and he hoped that Victor did to. Again Yuuri tried telling himself that it was only a good luck charms. So he could thank Victor for all that he had done so far. His hands trembled when he pushed the ring onto Victor's finger. He prayed that Victor liked it and wouldn't think that it was to early for  _ this  _ (whatever  _ this _ was exactly).

Victor had been able to surprise Yuuri since Yuuri had watched him over the TV. That hadn't changed at all in the last 10+ years. Yuuri had thought that he would give Victor the ring and they would then move on but that didn't happen.  _ Because Victor surprised him _ . Victor pulled out a golden ring and slipped it on Yuuri's finger.

Yuuri knew that he was blushing but he was just so unbelievably happy. He wasn't blushing because he was embarrassed or ashamed, no he was blushing because he was pleasantly surprised and smitten. Yuuri loved the feeling of the metal against his skin, it grounded him and reminded him of his happiness.

_ Thank you Victor. _

xxx

They spend their night with take away in their hotel room talking and laughing. Later on Yuuri challenged Victor to dance to K-Pop and Victor proceeded to made him dance to obnoxious Eurovision songs (Yuuri discovered that Europe was truly a weird place).

Yuuri had never laughed so much in his life. His belly was aching from all the laughing and his cheeks hurt.

Even though Yuuri felt a bit disappointed when they decided to retire to bed he knew that the day couldn't last forever. He was tired. He had seen and felt so much today.

They brushed their teeth side by side sometimes meeting each other's eyes in the mirror which made Yuuri blush everytime and Victor grin. Victor had pushed their beds together some time during the day and Yuuri absolutely loved it. Victor had the best ideas sometimes. They laid down side by side, their bodies close but not quite touching. He starred in Victor's beautiful eyes (he could do that for the rest of his life to be honest) but some stray strands of hair were disrupting his gaze. Yuuri tenderly brushed them away from Victor's face, savoring the soft texture. 

Victor was so beautiful Yuuri sometimes couldn't handle it. Sadness overcame him. He didn't know why, it just did. Sometimes you start to feel things even though you don't want to feel them. 

“I love you,” Yuuri whispered. 

And Yuuri meant it. He didn't need an extra dose of confidence in order to say it. He was just telling the truth. The words slipped so easily from his mouth and they sounded so right.

Victor beamed at him and Yuuri was thinking about saying it again just to see Victor's expression but before he could Victor had put an arm around his waist and pulled him closer. Victor then kissed Yuuris forehead. It was so soft and loving that Yuuri started to tear up.

“I love you too, solnyshko,” Victor whispered into Yuuri’s hair, “I love you so much.” 

Yuuri couldn't keep them in anymore. He started to cry.

Victor shot up from their position and looked at Yuuri who was hiding his face behind his hands. Yuuri didn't want Victor to see him cry. He didn't want to answer any of Victors question because he wouldn't know the answers. He doesn't know why he started crying. He just felt so loved and sad at the same time that he just sort of ‘overdosed’ on feelings.

“Yuuri? What?” Victor clearly didn't seem to know what to say. 

“It's nothing Victor.” Yuuri tried to wave him off and started to get up. He didn't want to talk or answer questions. He wanted to be alone and deal with the emotions that were suffocating him.

“But you're crying!” Victor pointed out.

Yuuri force-smiled at Victor but he could tell that Victor looked right through, “I'm just happy.” Yuuri explained. Yuuri knew it was a lie. Victor knew it was a lie. Victor luckily didn't call Yuuri out for it.

Yuuri got up from their bed. He couldn't be with Victor right now because maybe they would start talking and the Yuuri would (he was sure of it) confess to all of the bottled up feelings and doubts.  _ And he just couldn't do that right now. _

“Go back to sleep Victor, I'm going to clean up.” He caught one last glance of Victor's confused and heartbroken face before he disappeared into the bathroom. 

He felt like shit.

He couldn't do this any longer. This whole situation was slowly eating him up, killing him day by day. He couldn't live with all the hidden feelings and lingering doubts. He couldn't live with the uncertainty. 

It wasn't fair to him or Victor.

He really wanted to cry. He wanted to scream and sob loudly till there was nothing left inside him anymore.

He couldn't though, not with Victor right next door.

Yuuri stared into the mirror judging the man who stood in front of him.

_ You didn't have to start this in the first place. It was your decision to kiss Victor a second time. _

_ If you had just remembered your soulmate you wouldn't be in this mess. _

_ You are just a substitute. You knew that from the beginning but still you agreed to it. _

_ Why did you have to fall in love? _

He didn't feel any better when he decided to come out of the bathroom and go back to bed. Victor seemed to have fallen asleep in the meantime. He was hugging a pillow (Yuuris pillow he noticed) tightly to his chest and had buried his face in it.

Yuuri smiled softly at the sight.

He crawled under the blanket and laid down next to Victor, their legs slightly touching. He kissed Victor's cold nose and quietly whispered ‘goodnight’.

So much was left unsaid.

 

xxx

 

He  _ failed _ . He failed Victor. 

He screwed up the jump. 

_ You screwed up. _

What use was he if he couldn't win gold?

“I'm sorry,” is what he said after getting of the ice.

_ I'm sorry that I didn't land properly. _

_ I'm sorry that you wasted your time. _

_ I'm sorry that I failed you. _

 

xxx

 

“Let's end this.”

It was the right decision. Even though it hurt like hell Yuuri knew that he was doing the right thing. He needed to stop holding Victor back. He needed to let Victor go. They weren't destined to be together.

“I don’t- I don’t understand.” Victor stuttered out. Yuuri ignored Victor and instead bowed before him, his face lowered to the ground. He needed to be strong.

“Thank you Victor. For everything that you did.”

It was a goodbye. A thank you and a farewell. Yuuri wanted Victor to be happy this was the only way he knew how. Victor was a kind person as Yuuri had discovered and he knew that Victor wouldn't want to hurt Yuuri on purpose. So rather than making go Victor through the trouble he decided to take the first step in ending their relationship.

_ I'm doing the right thing _ .

Or so he thought. He began to doubt when Victor started to cry.

Victor never cried. 

Yuuri quickly looked up, shocked from seeing Victor cry.

“What? Why are you crying? Victor?” Yuuri asked confused. He was caught totally off guard. He thought that Victor would understand and support the idea, he had never dreamed of such a reaction.

“You’re selfish!” Victor shouted. Yuuri recoiled as if hit.

“I’m what…?” Yuuri asked his voice soft and quite. This was all going wrong, so terribly wrong, “I’m doing this for you.”

Victor clenched his hands and Yuuri sucked in a deep breath of air. He had never seen Victor like this. Yuuri wanted to see Victor's face, look into his eyes so he could  _ understand  _ what Victor was feeling. But Victor avoided meeting his eyes.

“Why would you hurt me like this then? If you’re doing this for me? Hm?” Victor challenged.

“I-” Yuuri choked on a sob, he didn't know what to say or do. This was getting out of hand, out of Yuuri's control and he  _ hated  _ it. He hadn't anticipated this. He just wanted to make Victor  _ happy _ but somehow he was screwing everything up, rather than fixing it.

“Why would my soulmate want to leave me?” They had never,  _ never  _ talked about soulmates before. It had been a mutual unspoken rule. So hearing that word out of Victor's voice was like a knife to his chest. Jealousy spread through him. It wasn't the kind of jealousy that made you angry and possessive, no this jealousy made Yuuri shiver, hurt and feel devastated.

Yuuri took in a big breath, “What? What does this have to do with your soulmate?” He was terrified of the answer. Yuuri started to cry (not really a surprise he usually starts to cry). Yuuri tried to stay quiet, he didn't want to led out loud and heartbroken sobs. He was trying to keep it together as well as he could, “This is exactly why I’m doing this! So you can find your soulmate! So you can be with the person that you are suppose to be with without me holding you back! Why are you making this so painful Victor?” The last sentence was choked out of Yuuri. Yuuri was just relieved that he was able to say so much without breaking down.

“Find my soulmate?” Victor asked surprised. Yuuri noticed that he didn’t seem angry or upset anymore. He sounded surprised and confused. Yuuri raised his head in order to look at Victor. Their gazes met for a short second before Yuuri looked away again.

“But I already found my soulmate.” Victor stated matter of factly. Yuuri was so confused. God he just wanted this to end. If Victor found his soulmate why wasn’t he with them? Didn’t he care?

“Wait? You did?” Yuuri asked, “So why aren’t you with them?” He asked the question that had been burning on his lips for the last couple of months. The question that had eaten him alive and made him roll around in bed till the early morning. He was so afraid of the answer. Endless scenarios and explanations swirled around in his head, one worse than the other.

Victor grabbed Yuuri’s hand unexpectedly and held it tight. He was glad that Victor had taken his hand, it grounded Yuuri and gave him a sense of security.

“Because I already am.”

Yuuri looked up surprised and met Victor’s eyes. Victor smiled lightly at him and with the thumb of his free hand he wiped away a tear that was rolling down Yuuri’s cheek.

“I don’t understand.” Yuuri whispered, “Your timer. It stopped. So you already met your soulmate.”

“Yuuri don’t you know? You are my soulmate.” Sometimes a single word, action, experience could change your whole life. Make you question your decisions and views, your thoughts and your outlook on things. In Yuuri’s case it was a single sentence that made his whole world crash and change.

_ You are my soulmate. _

Oh, how often Yuuri had craved to hear that sentence. How often he dreamed of Victor saying those lovely words. And now it happened and it felt so fake. He knew that this was happening somehow, somewhere but he didn’t feel it happening  _ to him. _ Yuuri stared at down at his hand that was still tightly clasped in Victors.

_ Don’t, please don’t let this be a dream. _

Victor slowly let go of his hand and Yuuri wanted to scream, shout, beg, do anything that would stop Victor from letting go. Letting go  _ of him. _ Before Yuuri could protest though Victor pulled the fabric away from his timer and showed Yuuri the numbers.

“They stopped at the banquet last year.” 

Yuuri couldn’t concentrate on anything else then the numbers. He cautiously touched the pale and vulnerable skin and ghosted over the numbers. Yuuri noticed that Victor shivered slightly at his touch. 

Disappointment surged through his body when he processed what Victor had just said.  _ At the banquet _ . Yuuri hadn’t touched Victor that evening he was sure. Victor probably had it wrong. Maybe it was someone that had looked like Yuuri but it certainly wasn’t him. He smiled sadly.

“At the banquet, you say?” Yuuri whispered and let his hand drop back to his lap, “Then it can’t be me. I didn’t even talk to you.”

Victor put a hand under Yuuri’s chin, pushed his chin up till he looked into Victor's eyes. Victor looked determined. He was fighting. Yuuri noticed then that Victor was fighting for  _ them.  _

“Yuuri that night we danced together and it had been the most wonderful thing  that had ever happened to me. I still remember the exact moment that you first touched me. The warmth that spread through me. I was intrigued by you. And my timer stopped that night. I knew it couldn’t be anyone than you. I’m sure it happened. Chris even made pictures. I can show you!”

He felt strangely calm for some reason. Victors explanation made sense. He thought back to that morning and how he had never actually asked Celestino  _ when _ he brought Yuuri back to the hotel. Yuuri felt calm. The calmest since this all had began. Yuuri slowly unwrapped his piece of cloth from his wrist and looked at the numbers displayed there. Victor also looked at them. Both of their timers were side by side. 

With a quiet voice Yuuri began to explain, “I woke up the day after the banquet with a hangover. I don’t remember anything of what happened that night. I’m sorry Victor. I thought that I got drunk and that Celestion had broughten me home early on in the evening. I woke up the next day and I saw that my Timer stopped. I always thought that I met someone at the competition. That day I had shaken so many hands I lost track and I thought it had been one of them. I was ashamed that I missed my soulmate.” Yuuri took a deep breath. It felt so  _ good _ admitting it all. Laying it out for Victor to see and judge, “I never thought that I was your soulmate. I thought you were only using me as a substitute till you find your soulmate.”   
  
The room was silent. They couldn’t hear a single sound. It was like the world had disappeared so that they could speak quietly and in peace. Maybe that did happen, Yuuri thought, maybe everyone disappeared so they could finally find their way to each other. They were soulmates, right? The universe for some reason  _ wanted  _ them to be together. 

Yuuri really wanted them to be together to.

Warm arms surrounded Yuuri and his head was pressed against Victor's chest. He breathed in Victor's scent, felt himself relax with the comforting smell. The emotional turmoil of the last minutes left Yuuri feeling empty and exhausted. But there was still something left in him, a deep gaping wound that was now only beginning to heal.  _ I thought you were only using me as a substitute till you find your soulmate.  _

Yuuri turned his head further into Victor’s chest, closed his eyes and let himself cry. He cried the tears that he had repressed in the last couple of months. 

He cried for the time when he had woken up with a hungover and had discovered that he had a soulmate.

He cried for the time when he had watched Victor and Makkachin play.

He cried for the times when he felt lost, unworthy and uncertain.

He cried about the probably biggest miscommunication of all times.

But it was okay. Or at least it will be okay. Yuuri was safely in Victor’s arms now and he knew that it wouldn’t end anytime soon.

Victor stroked his hair in a comforting way, “Yuuri you were never a substitute. Please don’t ever think that again.” Victor sounded so certain, loving and honest that Yuuri vowed to himself that he would never keep his feelings a secret from Victor ever again. In all this mess he forgot that Victor had suffered under this to. Had suffered under Yuuri's secretiveness and hesitance. Yuuri never wanted Victor to feel that way again.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri sniffed against his chest. 

“Stop apologizing. It’s not your fault.” Victor explained fiercely. They were silent after that. They didn’t dare break the silence that settled around them. Everything seemed different now. Everything  _ was  _ different now.

“So,” Victor began after a while, “We won't end this, right?”

Yuuri chuckled lightly and pushed himself up from Victor's chest (which was in hindsight a bad idea because Victor was warm and soft and the room cold and definitely  _ not Victor _ ) in order to look at the silver-haired man, “No we won’t. But there is something that I would like to change. I know that you want to go back to the ice. You should.” 

“Only under one condition,” Victor demanded. Yuuri raised his eyebrows. “I’ll stay your coach.”

Yuuri smiled. He liked that idea. He really, really did, “Okay. I’ll love that.”

“Yuuri?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” Victor kissed him and Yuuri  _ melted _ .

xxx

_ YUURI!!! EXPLAIN THIS Σ(●ꉺ▱ꉺ●) _

“Oh no,” Yuuri whispered under his breath. Oh no this wasn’t happening.

“What is it love?” Victor  draped himself over Yuuri, rested his head on Yuuri's shoulder and looked down on his phone.

_ WHERE DID YOU FIND THOSE? _

Phichit send him a link. A link to an Instagram account… Yuuri didn’t like where this was going. He didn’t like it at all.

Yes, of course it was Chris’s account. Who else could it possibly be.

_ YUURI OMG THATS SO DIRTY [●´︶｀●] _

Yuuri buried his head in shame and let out a loud groan. Victor chuckled lightly behind him.

“Victor this is not funny!” Yuuri complained.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that seeing those pictures make me happy.” 

Yuuri let his hands fall away from his face and he turns to Victor who had a light blush on his face.

“Why?”

Victor's eyes lit up and he smiled, “Well those pictures were made at the party where I met my gorgeous soulmate. Of course they make me happy.”

Yuuri started to also blush at the confession. He gave Victor a peck on the lips, “You’re such a sappy dork,” 

Yuuri looked back at his phone and scrolled through the picture that Chris had uploaded. He tried to blend his drunken self out of the pictures and instead focused on Victor. Victor who looked more and more giddy and happy in every picture, Victor who was smiling and laughing and seemingly only had eyes for Yuuri. His heart clenched painfully in his chest at seeing Victor so in love with him.

“But you’re my sappy dork.” Yuuri whispered and he had never been happier.

xxx

They didn’t cover their timers anymore. 

Yuuri loved seeing their wrist side by side.

26 years, 11 months, 16 days, 21 hours, 3 minutes and 18 seconds

23 years, 0 months, 14 days, 9 hours, 49 minutes and 55 seconds

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thank you so much for reading!
> 
> I hope I got this right but I had some problems with this chapter.
> 
> I really want to improve my writing so please tell me what I can do better. Some of you left some very helpful comments last chaper, so thank you very much for that!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I was thinking about writing this story from Yuuris POV and add another chapter but I'm not sure if I should.
> 
> I hope you liked it!
> 
> [Follow me for Victuri!](http://victuuritm.tumblr.com/)


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